i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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