her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
