last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
