I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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