you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
