quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
