So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
