i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
