I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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