anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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