Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
