You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
