In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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