I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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