my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
