I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
