Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
