I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
