Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
