Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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