took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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