I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
