If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
