Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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