Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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