I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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