And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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