hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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