Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
