You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
