I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
