tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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