Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
