I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
