your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
