i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
