he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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