I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How does one acquire holy water?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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