every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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