Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
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I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
These tits shall not be calmed
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