those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it's great music for shaving your balls
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
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