i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
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Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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