I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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