last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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