hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
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