i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
