No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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