You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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