I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
