im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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