A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
